Is it hard to feel bald and beautiful? Short answer: yes. During treatment, you spend all your energy on the fact that you don’t feel too well physically and so you spend time wishing to feel less nauseous, less shitty, etc. The physical aspect does come in of course, but you don’t have too much energy to focus on it. For me, it is now, after chemo when I really began focusing on the hair, the skin, the desire to look like yourself again…quickly. Life after cancer is a completely new thing. I am not my old self entirely, so I am not “going back” to being who I was, I feel like the experience released a Luz version 2.0 almost. I feel different, I understand life and purpose so differently now – I want to deal with my life differently. I am a strong believer on the connection between your emotional/mental health and illness, I am currently beginning to explore and discover the emotional baggage I was carrying before this – it’s a really tough journey of self-awareness, understanding and forgiveness and it sometimes involves making radical decisions of cutting out and letting things/people/situations go and just holding on to what feels real, true and gives me beautiful feels.
This Thursday will be a month since my last and final chemo session and I already feel so different. My energy levels are amazing, the hyperpigmentation on my hands and feet is getting so much better, the scars on my face are fading slowly, my hair is coming in slowly as well. I am so grateful – I am watching almost a re-birth of myself, I can see how my cells are slowly regenerating and giving my body new life and it feels magical. I am so thankful for every cell, every tissue, every beat – our bodies are resilient and our ability to heal is mind blowing. It’s hard not to be impatient and wish hair would just magically appear from one day to the next but with cancer everything is a process and I learned I must respect that and take it one day at a time. Last night I danced for hours when a few weeks ago I could not get through a song as I could hear my heart beat faster, my breath get shorter and my legs get weaker. I don’t want to forget the struggle as it continues to make me appreciate everything I am able to do now with a big smile.
I had missed writing, but I was busy enjoying life post chemo – throwing myself back into work, planning my holiday and enjoying the fact that my taste buds are back and I can enjoy my favorite foods again. Remodeling my bedroom and putting up photos of all the wonderful people in my life all over my house to remind myself that I am surrounded by love. Carrying out healing sessions so I can do the emotional work I need to do to keep myself healthy and truly content. Giving cuddles to my cat, spending time with my beautiful friends – old and new – and dancing my days away.
I want this blog to help other women with breast cancer, I want to start writing posts about what I did and experienced in a more direct / helpful way. How I managed my nausea, how I managed the dark hands and feed, how I managed the acne and the zoladex side effects, the questions to ask when you have a scare or get diagnosed, what I did and felt when I lost my hair and my eyebrows – I want to write content that will make other women going through the shit show feel less alone. If you know anyone going through this or if you are, let me know what you would like to know and I will gladly help navigate it all by sharing my experience.
In the meantime, I will celebrate turning 32 years old in 2 weeks and I’m so excited to be this new, improved version of myself. With less hair but more courage. A new confident, unapologetic and happier version of me.
I also want to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their incredible support throughout this experience. My friends and family, you’re all amazing and have made me feel so much love – I have no words and I get teary eyed every time I realize how blessed I feel to have you all in my life. Thank you to those who took time out of their life to message me / call me to wish me well. Thank you to all the new friends I’ve made – I am so happy I got to know you all. Thank you to the friends who have helped me document my journey, in film or photos – it is so amazing that you all made time and used your talents on me. Thank you to every single person who came with me to my chemo sessions – you have no idea what this meant to me, you’re all truly incredible human beings!!!! I love you all deeply and I must have done something right in my life to deserve you all and the love you’ve shown me.